"I know I should, but I don't." Many people come with that sentence. They want to change a habit, set a boundary, start a project, finally have a difficult conversation. And then they postpone, forget, find a good reason not to. Afterwards comes frustration: what's wrong with me?
Usually nothing is wrong. That's resistance, and it's one of the most human things there is.
Resistance protects something
Resistance isn't laziness or a lack of willpower. It's a part of us that tries to keep us away from something unpleasant: an old pain, a feeling of weakness, fear, shame. As long as we don't go near it, we don't have to feel it.
That's why resistance often appears exactly where change matters most.
Pushing makes it stronger
The usual reaction is to push harder: more discipline, more pressure, more self-criticism. But resistance works a bit like physics: the more pressure, the more counter-pressure. When we try to break through it by force, it usually grows.
What helps is the opposite: slowing down, getting curious and treating resistance with respect, as a part of you that is trying to protect you.
Three faces of resistance
1. "It's too much." Sometimes resistance protects us from feelings that were once too big to handle. Part of us fears that if we open the door, we'll be overwhelmed. Here the way forward is small steps and enough safety, not a leap into the deep end.
2. "It isn't worth the fight." Some people avoid every confrontation. They tell themselves "the wiser one gives in" or "it's not important". Sometimes that's true. But when it becomes a rule, it often protects us from an old feeling of being defeated or powerless. It helps to see that feeling, accept it, and slowly practise standing up for yourself.
3. "No, and I don't even know why." If as a child you rarely had room to say no, that no can turn inward. Then it shows up as procrastination, apparent laziness, starting and not finishing, sabotaging exactly what you want. It's often an old, unmet need for your own will and autonomy. The way forward isn't a stricter inner voice, but more room for your own choices.
Resistance can also appear towards the helper
In counselling or coaching, resistance sometimes shows up in the relationship itself: you "forget" an appointment, feel irritated, find it hard to say what's really going on. That's normal and nothing to be ashamed of. Old experiences with authority and closeness come with us. When we can talk about it openly, it often becomes one of the most useful parts of the work.
How to work with your resistance
- Notice it without judging. "I'm putting this off again" is more useful than "I'm hopeless".
- Ask what it protects. If I did this now, what might I feel? What am I afraid of?
- Talk to it. It may sound unusual, but it helps: "I see you're trying to protect me. What do you need so we can take one small step?"
- Make the step smaller. Not "I'll change everything", but "I'll write the first sentence" or "I'll make one call".
- Give yourself real choices. If resistance is about autonomy, ask: what do I actually want here, not what should I do?
When support helps
When resistance keeps you stuck for a long time, it's easier to explore it with someone who doesn't push or judge. In counselling and coaching we look at what your resistance protects and find a pace at which change feels possible.
If you recognise yourself here, you can start with one free, honest conversation of up to 15 minutes. Sessions are online, in English or Croatian.
← All resources